The Monkey Cage

Saturday, September 29, 2007

There is this certain education institution existing within my coordinates which is recognised by its three-lettered initials, the first two both being the letter 'M' and as experiences with it start to develop into clearer stages, I always wonder if M originally or secretly stands for Monkey. To reinforce this state of wonder, we shall peek into an unlikely example of how this institution actually provides and promotes education. Synonymously, what is to be reviewed can be simply guessed as what learning is to a certain species related to humankind.

CHAPTER X : MONKEYFICATION

Religions are preached, skills are taught, knowledge is spread, discipline is instilled, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Squished between the many subsets of et ceteras is the state of monkeyishness and like the things mentioned earlier, it can be passed on from one to another. At least it seems that way from this immortalised piece of primate life you are about to set eyes on.

Shocking isn't it what monkeys assume as education? If businessmen and engineers were produced with classes like that, the next tallest structure in the world would take more than 50 years to construct; 3 minutes to plan, 1 day to build, 2 seconds to collapse and kill all the engineers, 30 years to produce another generation of engineers, 10 years for them to actually guess what their dead seniors' mistakes were and 10 years to construct it successfully. The time taken for it to fall down this time remains a mystery. As for the business world, don't hope on there being much of it as monkey business is simply being monkeys. That said, here's a community message from the one who runs the Monkey Cage :"Take your education seriously and try to avoid being monkeyfied at all costs unless you want to be part of this family or on a larger scale, see the world go bananas."

Friday, September 21, 2007

A picture paints a thousand words; this phrase is not an uncommon one and is indeed often truthful. It simply implies that one image can hold uncountable meanings hidden within its rich blend of colours, strokes and hues. That implication however does not neccesarily imply to itself wether it is after all a good thing or not and this is why doubts are cast, a phrase can be rephrased. In this case 'rephrase' may not be totally accurate but surely, the way different people understand it determines what comes out of it. This time, different is equivalent to monkey.

CHAPTER IX : PICTURE PERFECT

Roller coasters and other extreme thrill rides which send the G-Forces pumping through your fragile veins never fail to either get the adrenalin running at the speed a lovestruck zebra or cause your the insides of your bowels to blend violently thus turning your face green. Occasionally, these sort of thrill providers can cause its embracers to go a little nuts. The nuts are insanely bigger if it's monkeys we're talking about. To make things clearer, the activities of this certain group of monkeys are documented in possibly the briefest of all documentaries.

1. Monkeys go on ride.
2. Monkeys shout and scream their lungs out.
3. Monkeys get 'high' after ride ends.
4. Monkeys go on another to satisfy their sudden craze.
5. Monkeys get another boost of sheer gravity defiance.
6. Monkeys get even more high.
7. Monkeys see picture.
8. Monkeys like the picture and want to be part of it.
9. Monkeys do this...

Their picture undoubtedly painted a thousand words but most of the words are probably synonyms to the words CRAZY, A$$ and PRIMATES. Heck, the silliness stretches to the extent where the fact is they painted a picture over the picture. Some may label it stupid but these monkeys would like to think of it as an activity of artistic pleasure yet however it should be perceived, these monkeys can have my kudos. Stupid or not, they lightened what was wrongly assumed to be a starless and moonless night.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Master illusionists such as the certain David we all know create 'magic' which sometimes leaves us in a state of pure awe and speechlessness. Now, even a monkey has emulated that. The speechlessness has yet to wear out from me hence this post shall be little in length.

CHAPTER VIII : HOUDINI HAD A COUSIN

The genes of the great escape artist/magician/illusionist/slash this and that is clearly evident in a specimen of our not so distant relatives. The way the gene has developed however, may vary in certain aspects but undoubtedly, both have the ability to leave their audience awestruck. Let the magic take place...

The previous post probably left you with no words to utter and this one probably has the same effect. There's not much you can do about it because monkeys will always be monkeys.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Of all living creatures existent in this planet, only humans have somewhat successfully manipulated the laws of life by being able to turn good vocals into earnings. Singing equals cash (if it is saleable that is). The unbelievable thing about this world is that this 'profession' generates income insanely higher than those of people who stretch their physical effort to the limit day after day and at times night after night. The world is unfair to a high extent in this context. This however, has driven many people into a frenzy where they find themselves wanting to sing in order to be simply 'rich and famous'. Today, one monkey takes that path...

CHAPTER VII : YOU SING IT BEST, WHEN YOU SING NOTHING AT ALL

Ronan Keating is a good singer. If you can sing like him, you sing well. Exceptionally well. It is with statements like these that people never stop trying their luck at singing. They work hard with the hopes that if they can immitate a superstar to a reasonable extent, they're going to make it as well. That may be true and this possible truth has caused monkeys to embrace the same sad reality. Today we focus on one monkey, one that might cause the real ex-Boyzone lead singer to say "If I knew they had music in Malaysia, I would rather be a fisherman!". Note that this species of primate does indeed originate from the Malaysian rainforests.

So in what way is this monkey's emulation so provocative in some sense that it might actually cause a popular singer to say something of such? Let's just put it this way, singing poorly is one thing. Being a terrible singer is another thing. Having a voice that is even creakier than that of a toad and even more painful than the sound of a chicken being run over by a steamroller slowly is also some other thing. Ronan would have been alright with all of those. Singing like the monkey on show today, now that's a whole new perspective. Prepare your ears like you have never prepared them before and once you have checked 20 times that you are ready, you may let the video play...

Maybe during all the times I speculated doubtfully about the wages singers earn these days, I was wrong. With monkeys like these, go ahead Ronan, sing well and enjoy your fat wallet, cause maybe you DO deserve every single penny. One thing I can say about this though, the monkey really gets his message across in the song. For a moment after that video finished playing, I really did say nothing at all. I just couldn't.

Monday, September 10, 2007

As it has been screened time and time again, monkeys are interesting creatures and learning about them sort of enlightens us more on our very selves as well. So today, in the name of science, a certain bunch of monkeys shall aid us by participating in an experiment the world has never seen. Let's start.

CHAPTER VI : LAB ALA' MONYET

Objective: To study the way a human invention (balloon, in this case) is perceived by the latest series of evolved primates.

Hypothesis: Balloons are for kids and people who somehow have yet to escape the hold of childhishness thrusted upon them

Apparatus: One unbelievably brave clown, balloons(the flexible kind), camera phone and obviously, a primate family(preferably from the species homobodoh ketheswarus sp.).

Procedure:
1. Place clown in a position where it intercepts the path of the monkeys' journey at a certain point.
2. With the help of balloons, get clown to interact with monkeys.
3. Allow monkeys to obtain balloons from the clown.
4. Now, direct the monkeys' path towards a location where sustenance is obtained.
5. Observe monkeys' behaviour closely at this point of their travel.
6. Record all observations with a camera phone (note that low-quality video evidence is more than sufficient to make conclusions when monkeys are concerned).

Observations and Results:

Analysis: Monkeys react to balloons in a manner which displays an intricate blend of childishness, immaturity and pervertedness which is not all that surprising. From this, it is safe to assume that;
M increases with C,
M=kC
where M=number of monkeys, C=magnitude of childishness where k is a constant.

Conclusion: Monkeys can safely be described as childish creatures. Hypothesis accepted.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Just when we thought the nutcase chef has shown us the most bizzare of cooking steps, the she-monkey succeeded in conjuring something else which strikes its audience into a deep state of disbelief. Cannibalism is, at it seems, still existent...

CHAPTER V.II : INTO THE KITCHEN AGAIN

We begin with the simple yet stupefying recipe as usual;
1. A young monkey, preferably alive (note that the task is easier if they are sedated)
2. Ketchup (or tomato sauce for some of you who don't know, islanders for example)
3. As always, the same nutcase chef.
Let the cooking show commence...

Readers deserve the right to know that this video has been cut short in order to hide the fact that the monkey chef is not a very competent one at all for the aftermath of this attempt at unusual cuisine saw the main dish wake up and spoil the preparatian procedures. Therefore, it is quite safe to conclude that no monkeys were harmed in this video.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

The past few days saw many specimens of our closest relatives venture pass DtG's way and a queue into the Monkey Cage has finally built up. It is simply brilliant to know that resources are flowing in with high magnitudes of both quantity and quality. However, time has proven itself to be a luxury stronger than ever and it has forced the show to be cut short for now at least. Therefore, may we present, one hell of a monkey in one short post.

CHAPTER V : INTO THE KITCHEN

We all know monkeys eat bananas and are bananas in the head as well. However, like how homosapiens came to be to this present state of humanity, primates extrapolate their way of life to and are not aliens to fine cuisine. Today however one monkey proved it was not all too fine as she (YES, SHE) shares some cooking skills that simply leaves the audience speechless. Before we move on, here's a check list of ingredients which is very short for you in case you would like to conjure a meal fit for a monkey;
1. Some rubbery adhesive thing monkeys use to substitute flour
2. A nutcase chef
Let the cooking show begin...

Their species' gastronomic variety doesn't end there as it seems that they know how to cook up really sticky and wet numbers too. However, with creatures like this manning the stove, I'd go for plain bread and water any time. Applaud this monkey for making me lose my once gargantuan appetite.

Monday, September 3, 2007

Today, yours truly has been enlightened with the fact that at times, the term 'you were born in a zoo' jokingly used in modern birthday songs makes sense after all. As we celebrate the birth of one of our kind, today saw many genuine monkeys parade their true colours; a shade of brownish gray with a furriedly-effect. This post will mostly consist of videos of the high-monkey-magnitude outing as words simply can't justify their level of pre-humanness.

CHAPTER IV : IT'S PARTY TIME

The typical birthday party has to be redefined in many areas for it to be deemed even slightly similar to one of a monkey's. No party is complete without a cake but what happens to the cake differs according to the species. Humans blow the candles, cut it, eat it. Monkeys however blow the candles, cut it, eat it and finally pose for a totally moronic photograph with the cake at their mouth completely unaware that the photographer is indeed recording a video therefore forcing the posing monkey into making a more-than-complete fool out of himself. Watch and learn...

Normally, the individual whose birthday is being celebrated should be the first to be mentioned regarding topics like these but in conjunction with monkey birthdays, he comes second as monkeys don't really care much about that poor being anyway. They throw him a surprise party and do this...

Party games can get very bizzarre at times but at the end of the day, it's all for the fun of it. When these monkeys do it, my explanation capabilities immediately crash into a brick wall, hard. This, I simply can't convert to words...

Officialy, that is the very first birthday celebrated in the monkey cage and being numero uno, it has set the standards considerably high. Then again, I truly wonder if there would be a second as after this monkeyish affair, going through another would take up a certain ammount of courage which is not conjured easily. These monkeys are just plain stupid and/or crazy. Salute them.